How Can Marriage Counseling Help
By R. Hope Eliasof, LCSW, LMFT
If you are looking for a quick fix, marriage counseling IS NOT THE ANSWER. If you are looking for POSITIVE CHANGE, IMPROVED MOOD AND COMMUNICATION IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP, it may be.
I begin the article this way to dispel false claims and unrealistic expectations. In a world that is overrun with Internet and billboard messages about painless and easy self-improvement, I will not set you up for disappointment. Perhaps you are already turned off and stopped reading, but if you are in for lasting change your hard work might actually pay off.
I have been a Marriage and Relationship Therapist for almost 30 years. The
world keeps changing the skills we need to cope and be effective in our
love, work and family lives may modify, but the basics about what makes
people feel loved and valued in a relationship doesn’t.
Marriage Therapy is a process that can be short or long-term, but the skills
you learn must be worked at long-term. So many people believe change isn’t
possible, but giving up on a relationship, that you value dearly or perhaps
once did is worth seeing if rehabilitation and growth is possible. In our
relationships we are often stuck in a rut. We see our partners in a particular way, often negative and untrue. We get locked into unproductive arguments despairing, hardening our hearts and wondering if it can ever get better. Marriage Therapy is the beginning of learning a new love language. If you can take the first step and suspend your cynicism, you can with the help of an experienced and empathic Therapist, learn to listen and understand your partner. Your partner and you can be viewed in a new way. These new understandings can lead to changed behavior and communication and a feeling of happiness and joy.
If you would like to learn more about Marital Therapy, please contact me at 201‑445‑0550.
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Angry at Your Partner Too Often, Try Some Appreciation
By R. Hope Eliasof, LCSW, LMFT
I was talking to a dear friend earlier this morning. She was complaining
about the frequent fights she and her husband had been having over the past
six months. We commiserated together, as I had fought with my husband two
nights ago (yes marriage therapists fight with their spouses also). We talked
about the emotional hangover after a fight or a series of them. The feelings of irritability towards the kids, the countless thoughts of how to get back at your partner or if you even wanted to be with them. The bad night of sleep or lack of it altogether. The inability to eat or the emotional overeating you promised yourself you wouldn’t do. When she and I got off the phone I wanted to write something that might be preventive of those non-constructive, hurtful interactions.
The topics people can fight about are infinite. In close relationships the
topics get narrowed down most often to sex, money, the children and in-laws. As a marital therapist for 25 plus years, as well as someone who has been married that long, conflict in a close relationship is normal, natural and expectable. What allows some couples to grow as a result of conflict and others to have their relationships deteriorate? I have often contemplated this question. I have attempted to identify some of the factors that help some couples protect their love, trust and understanding during times of conflict. I wanted to share them with you to help you build a better relationship.
I believe the core of so many negative relationship perceptions and interactions is feeling unappreciated by one’s partner. When each person in the couple feels valued, the disappointments and frustrations can be put into a more balanced perspective. When people feel criticized, ignored and invisible the hurtful interaction can feel like an attack of the soul and core of who they are.
Susan can’t believe that her husband doesn’t see what she needs from him.
Although, they both work full-time, once they come home, she can never sit
down or stop tending to the children. He helps a little and then leaves the
rest to her.
Allen, has been working long hours, at home and abroad, supporting his
family so his wife can be the full-time mother she longed to be. All Allen reports his wife communicates to him is how he isn’t there for her and let’s her down.
Both Susan and Allen feel lousy much too often in their marriages. They can each give a laundry list of the ways their partners fail them, but after you get past the complaints the heart of the matter is that they don’t feel appreciated or seen for who they are.
Some destructive strategies for dealing with disregard, are counterattacks
and withdrawal or more serious relationship breakers like substance abuse,
gambling, violence, infidelity and abandonment. If you're involved with any of
these behaviors, I encourage getting support and intervention quickly so you
can turn your life and relationship in a positive direction.
If you are utilizing more benign coping mechanisms like giving the repeated
cold shoulder, not being affectionate or not having sex, not listening or being
unsupportive, or constantly criticizing, here are some ways to become positively
reconnected.
Step One Make yourself vulnerable. Let you partner know they matter to you
and you want things between you to get better. I know this can be difficult.
We all wish the other person would take the first step, but waiting often leads to more anxiety and frustration. Think like the Nike ad..."just do it."
Step Two Ask the question, "I wonder what makes you feel special and
appreciated. I feel like I haven’t been doing a very good job in that area
and want to get better at. If you feel like you can tell me, great. If
that’s too uncomfortable, can you make me a list of five things?"
Step Three After we talk or I review the list, I would like to discuss what
is possible and what might be too difficult for me, due to external realities or my own fears and inadequacies. I will commit to trying at least two new behaviors over the next couple of weeks.
Step Four It would really mean a lot to me if you were also willing to do
the same thing, but if not that’s ok. Let’s see what happens if one of us
changes.
Step Five Debrief with one another and get feedback.
Perhaps, this sounds like a lot of psychobabble. The truth is if this was an
article about doing exercise reps or trying out a new diet, you would be more
willing to jump in.
I don’t know why we are programmed to believe relationships are always
supposed to work and be easy. The divorce statistics over many years have contradicted that and then some.
If you give these new behaviors a try, I hope you get some results.
Closeness and regard can never be anything but a win for relationships.
If you would like to learn more about Marital Therapy, please contact me at 201‑445‑0550.
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Rebuilding Affection and Hope in a Marriage
By R. Hope Eliasof, LCSW, LMFT
It might not sound like a giant leap forward, but after years Sally had
finally asked Jake for a hug. (All names have been changed to maintain
confidentiality) Years had passed and the gulf and tension between them had
become chasm like until last week. They had been in counseling for several
sessions and finally Sally trusted Jake enough to take a risk.
In so many marriages, daily, often non intentional rejections and slights
start to build up. And start to sting. If you grew up in a home with a lot
of criticism or belittling, the sting can feel more like an emotional
slap. Let’s face it, none of us like to feel pushed away or criticized. When
we feel badly our systems of self-protection go into high gear. Regretfully
these methods of self protection may make us feel less vulnerable but are
often bad for the relationship.
You might be wondering, why had Sally kept Jake at arms length for so long.
In their relationship. Sally often felt ignored, spoken rudely to and then
felt used when Jake wanted to have sex. Jake felt having sex was an act of
love and closeness. When Sally pushed him away he felt unloved and rejected.
So many of the simplistic explanations of male and female sexuality lead to
shallow understandings and miscommunications between people in couples.
Thus the wall of distance and quiet hurt and anger got built. This pattern
was repeated many times in their relationship until they came to non verbal
resolution, no touching. Without affection and sexuality marriages can lose
the calming and special connection it provides.
Going to therapy is often a difficult step and I want to offer you some
steps to try out first. Most of the time distress in a relationship is
because we feel and continue to fear our partners won’t be there for us.
The major way people respond to hurt or disappointment is to become
clingy, critical, blaming or angry or to go the opposite way and withdraw
and wall themselves off.
Steps to try:
- Know your style of coping with hurt and try to act differently.
- Share your goal with your partner and find out what would help to rebuild
affection. - Use “I” messages and be aware when you are being defensive and try
again. - Acknowledge, although this is hard, that your partner means a lot to you
and the work is worth it. - Be willing to go to a couples therapist if things don’t improve enough.
Couples therapy becomes the venue where individuals dare to go into topics
and feelings they have buried, never shared with their partners or ruminated
over and over to themselves. In the safety of a third party, each person can
get help voicing and being understood differently.
Slowly, when Jake can hear the hurt in Sally’s shut down he becomes curious instead of only angry and rejected. Sally can begin to understand Jake’s effort at closeness is not objectification, but a wish to be experienced as loveable and feel a secure connection again. It is easy for each of them to fall back into the old explanations unless they are helped to stay on track. As they learn the new language of love, Sally takes the first step. This time Jake responds with open arms. Sally begins to see him differently. He now begins to be perceived with more understanding and less stereotype.
This simple sounding process is challenging and doesn’t always go smoothly. The benefit of a good therapy relationship is keeping your progress and motivation going, even when you want to give up. In almost 30 years of practice I believe change is always possible and if two people are willing affection and reconnection can happen.
If you would like to learn more about Marital Therapy, please contact me at
201-445-0550.